Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Gratitude


I've had a rolling couple of days this week & a rolling couple of weeks this month. Mostly its all been rolling right on over me.

*roll*roll*roll*
*bitch*scream*rant*twit angry tweets*cry*pray*repeat all over again*

But today, right in this minute - I really had to stop & look & see what it is I'm so hurt & angry about. And even if I believe or feel justified in my hurts, who am I really hurting by holding on to this anger & pain?

Me. I hurt me the most.
So some people are going to be assholes. *shrugs* that happens. I have no control over what other people do. All I have control over is what I do with what I've been given.

We can only roll with it - our only real choice is are we gonna roll along merrily or bitchily?
(I admit, I've been rolling rather bitchily. and tearfully. and angrily.)

It occurred to me that all of us have crap that hurts us. How do you get through it? Or over it? Or passed it?

Gratitude. What a magic word. Gratitude.
Once you start looking at what you do have, what you don't have doesn't matter. Gratitude puts obstacles & crap into proper perspective. The BIG problems become little. The MOUNTAINS become anthills.

And I have so very very very much to be grateful for.

So let's count my blessings, okay?

I thank God for my life, my body, my health & my mind. I thank God for my children that they are also happy & healthy & here with me. I thank God for my family & my close friends who love me & let me rant like a crazy lady whenever I need too. I thank God for Mother Hubbard, that my children & I can live with her & laugh with her. I thank God for this home we live in because hey! we could be homeless. I thank God for the food we have because again hey! we could be starving. I thank God for the laughter of all the children at Laie Elementary. What a beautiful gift they've given me. I thank God that 3 different people stopped to talk to me today about themselves, about what's troubling them & that they felt better after someone just listened to them. I thank God that my Bestie sent me chocolates last week. I thank God that my sister called me last week. I thank God that my sister of the heart sent my son a birthday present in the mail. I thank God that Sim is patient & kind with me being so cross & crabby. I thank God that I can pray. Even better, I thank God for making sure I know I am a Child of God & that He loves me un-questionably. I thank God for electricity, water & internet because I don't like writing by candlelight & because internet allows for instant gratification/soothing/comfort when ranting. I thank God for my bed & soft comfy pillows that help me to be rested. I thank God for hot water showers that make every day so much better. I especially thank God that before I sleep each night, I'm the lucky parent who gets to hug & kiss & pray with all three of my sons because we're here together.

I have more blessings to be grateful for but those were the ones that really made me cry good tears & release the anger I've been holding towards ... just about everyone.

with love & delicious gratitude~
Cy.


Saturday, July 28, 2012

Happy Birthday Katzu!!! :Moments of MotherHood


Happy Birthday Katzu

Kennedy Katzu turned 9 last week Sunday. It was a quiet celebration starting at 12 minutes after midnight with a spidey birthday cake. He insisted on all 36 candles on his cake - all lit at the same time.

It was a fire hazard of cake! But it made him happy. Behind Sim & Tafi, we had a fire extinguisher on hand just in care the candles got too happy!

But it was a good. Because we all stayed up so very late, we missed church that morning. Which was fine with all of us since none of us wanted to get dressed & go anyway.

Birthday Cake is lucky cake!
Katzu got his first phone of the day from Geoffrey the Giraffe. Who left a very excited & happy Happy Birthday message for him. His second call came from his Aunty Tish who also left a very excited & happy Happy Birthday message for him.

(which prompted a smattering of protest from Tafi because he didn't get anything as cool as phone call messages wishing him a Happy Birthday. He was pouting about that. Never mind that a few months ago, he had a big blowout of birthday party at the BYU-H gameroom with 50 of his best buddies!)

Katzu got his 1000+ POG collection as a gift from me. He got PizzaHut coupons from Sim. He got something yummy & edible from Tafi.

He waited all day & night for the one thing he really wanted: a phone call from his dad. A message on the answering machine saying Happy Birthday. Something. Anything.

Nothing.
His dad didn't call. Didn't write. Didn't care.
Birthday CheezeBalls!

Which is also nothing new.

What's new is that Katz has to begin accepting that his dad is un-available to him all ways: mentally, spiritually, physically & emotionally and learn to keep on going.

I don't really understand the kind of person a man must be to abandon his children - HIS CHILDREN so that he can play father to the children of his second wife & multiple girlfriends. As long as I live, I will never accept any man as a good man if he failed to care for his children.

Nothing anyone says will make me change my mind because any man who can abandon his children, is a man who's word  & work mean nothing. Less than nothing. He can not be trusted.

As a family, we're holding together. Looking forward to the new school year, new classes, new experiences. We're all in this together (don't laugh! That's one of my theme songs!) and We're In It To WIN IT!

with love & delicious birthdays!~
Cy.



Monday, July 16, 2012

Happy in the Moment


Crownflowers at Laie Cemetery

Faith, it seems is something you have to keep practicing at or it gets rusty dull shaky.
(yes. that's the word... shaky)

And when you get to a certain level of faithfulness where its all so effortless, you get shoved up to the next level of faithfully working out least you get too comfortable & squishy.

Which should have been my first red flag that a big test of faith was on the horizon!

I don't mind trials of faith. I welcome accept them. I know that they have to happen so that I can have an increase of faith fullness. (why so much increase? Because that's the way it goes. *shrugs*)

Every one every where every day, have to go through their own trials & tests of their faith. I get that. I'm not special in being tested. So I'm not whining about that.

What I really do mind however is when the tests get sprung on me with no forewarning!
(which I supposed shouldn't surprise me. )

Recently, I completed an unexpected trial of faith by fire. I can say that I finished this section of the exam & passed. But Wow! How about I pass my exams less bloodied up? less beat up? less on my ass crying to God & Jesus & the Holy Ghost & all the ancestors & all the angels in the Heavens for help to sustain me, carry me & hold me firm?

So I passed & crawled through the storm. (Yay, Me!) But it seems to me that I'm always passing on my ass & screaming! *laughs*

I learned a deep lesson from my second son Tafilele. As his mother, my heart & soul broke for him as I watched him struggle with his own trial of faith in the past couple of weeks. He took immediate responsibility for his wrongs & asked for help to make himself right again. We spent that evening (and many other nights) in prayer & tears & gratitude to God.

In retrospect, things could've been so very much worse. All it takes is a little bit of not right choices to start the avalanche & then you're sitting in hell wondering how in the hell you got there!
(been there. done that.)

Tafilele knows that I love him & from me he learns daily that God loves him & that there isn't anything that can make me or God love him any less. Nothing.

The counsel I gave to my son came back to me: Turn your face away from theses things that will hurt you. No good can come of it. Turn your face & never look back at it. Keep on going & go straight.

My faith is intact. My utter gratitude to God's love for me reaffirmed. Thank You God for every thing, for helping me be more faithful & trusting in Your divine will. Thank You God for understanding that I bitch & moan about the work & the uncomfortable squeezing of whatever by the whoevers & the lack of a worthy companion right at this moment but that when I'm done complaining ~ I get it done.

With love & delicious ass-kicking trials of faith~
Cy.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Time Outs

Castle Beach, Kahuku


What an absolute perfect day.

I got in a run this morning at the gym. I broke in some new running shoes. (I feel a blister coming on in my immediate future. *grins*) I went to the beach after I sweat  & swore during my run. (baby feet again. poor things. don't worry, I've got another workout scheduled for tomorrow!)


broken kukui nuts

 I had hours out there on the sand, sitting under the warm sun thinking deep thoughts. It was good to be warm & dry & happy. Too many times, in the past couple of months, I've put off taking care of me so that I could take care of everyone else.

I think that's a common ailment of women everywhere. We love so much & give so much of ourselves that we forget to give back to us too. We love loving our families & our friends & our causes near to our heart! But we have to learn when to call a time out & close our doors & take care of us first.

(In my case, I called a time out & went to the beach!)

As I was sitting there, those kukui nut shells peaked out from a shallow sand mound. 2 broken halves of the same shell. I pieced them back together but sometimes, things just have to be part ~ for whatever purpose.
I put them back (kinda) the same way I had found them.

Now I have a clearer perspective of several choices I have to make. Some choices need to be made sooner, some can wait a little bit longer. Regardless, they still have to be made.

So as I lay me down to sleep tonight, I thank my God for all He does for me. I thank Him for His un-ceasing love for me, for the strength He pours into my being each day, for the joy He puts in my heart each moment, for his acceptance & forgiveness of my (many) tantrums as I grow more towards becoming the soul He envisioned of me.

With Love & delicious beaches~
Cy.


PS. When did my nose get so big? *laughs*