Wednesday, April 4, 2012

-0 lbs & Not Counting: WIO & Weigh It In

I am cringing & praying & becoming very aware of what I'm putting into my face mouth body because I will be seriously upset (at myself) if I get to May 1st and find out I've gained 5lbs or 10lbs or (God! Help Me) - 20lbs.

(I ain't even kidding you. If I get to May 1st & I weigh more than I did on March 31st- I have a serious problem)

I have a problem any which way I look at it.

My life has been getting in the way of my life. In the past week, the sporadic workouts of the previous 2 weeks because nomadic and then null.

I haven't smelled the inside of my gym or even dug my running shoes out from the back of my truck in weeks.

How did this even happen to me? ME? me the workout obsessed?

It happened like this... my 3rd grader has been having tough time at school which means he's either at home sick or I'm at his school with him. The time that I've always set aside for myself to work out/run/sweat was eaten up & I hadn't figured out how to compensate for that.

And then other people needed things. Stuff needed to be done. Electrical & Water companies had to be dealt with. Landlords with issues had to be straightened out. Spiritual filling up of the cups of myself & others had to be done. Children & people had to know that I love them & miss them.

I hear what the fitness guru's say - that I must make time for myself to care for myself - that I can not continue to shove my personal needs aside to care for the needs of others. I have to take care of me first so that I can take care of every one & every thing else better.

My health (such as it is) is all I really got.

I feel like my clothes are getting tighter. I feel like I gain weight when ever I just look at food. I feel like I've gotten fatter.

But is that accurate? Have I gotten to big for my clothes? Did I gain weight? I can't tell you. Other people are looking at me & say Wow! You look like you're getting smaller, what are you doing? My kids say I look the same.

I miss the scale. I hate the power I've assigned to it to determine for me what I am or not. Until you've felt the fear of being so fat that FAT isn't even a big enough word to describe it (but morbidly obese is) - it's hard to explain the anxiety/paranoia/pissed off ness that I have about losing my fitness for fatness.

With love & delicious fattiness~

PS. Stacey, weekly photos are starting to suck. But I promised. Here it is. I want to airbrush out/liposuction my thighs.

PPS. That tat is so not real! *laughs* that's my photo shop sticker of the day!

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