Monday, March 26, 2012

Keeping Your Mouth Shut: Moments of MotherHood

According to my horoscope this week is the week where I'll thank myself for keeping my mouth shut.

(Yes its true some people really do need to hear it & yes its true I really do want to say it to them. Loudly. With a lot of ad lib swear words)

But in the long run & for the greater good - what does telling a person off because they said or did something inconsiderate & selfish do?

(It does nothing but give you an opportunity to practice repentance over & over & over. There are better ways to fix a situation than telling someone off)

This past week, Mother Hubbard (whom I love very much!) said several inconsiderate things to me that got my temper flared.

Part of the digs at me were made because she is my mother but that doesn't mean she is my children's mother. I mother my children, my way. That's my business. Her business is to mother me, her way. Her being my mother does not in any way in my head auto-translate into mothering my children.

I was thinking about cornering her during Family Home Evening & having a grand out about it. And yet, after a long day at church & remembering my Ex, I decided to just suck it up & think my way through it before I said anything to her.

We had a beautiful Family Home Evening last night. Sans the pissed off parts. And today, I've let it go. I love my mother, speaking without thinking & especially yelling without thinking - would be hurtful to this woman who I have Eternities to hang out with. Better to keep the crazies in my head than let them escape to run rampant.

There's a whole list of people who've been yanking on the Temper Train this past week. All of them still with the living. *grins*

Anyhow, long story short - I want to thank my Ex-Husband for being my guinea pig. He let me learn one of the most valuable lessons of my life: To keep my damn mouth shut. Just Shut Up.

I'm ashamed to admit, I behaved as if when you're married to someone - it gave you (me) the right to vomit forth on the other person all sorts of foul mouthed expletives, treat them horribly & call them names and that they had to take it because Hello? That's your spouse!

I learned the keep my mouth shut lesson on the day that I had such a shitty day at work, a shitty day with the X before the Ex, the landlord was asking for rent, the electricity company was getting ready to cut our power, the bank was looking to repo our car, the babysitter quit, our baby was sick with asthma and I had the period from hell. I was tired. I was the only one with a paid job. My Ex had picked me up from work, had dropped our baby off to his family & then parked our car at home to tell me - he took $200 from our account to give to his family.

The money was gone.

Dear God. I never knew I had it in me to be such a bitch! I mean, I really do know I am a bitch. But the things I said to him that afternoon - Wow! I watched the clock on the dashboard. I railed for 45 minutes. I screamed for that 45 minutes. He didn't say much except for look at me with that LOOK of hurt & pain. I think that may have been another turning moment for him when he was absolutely sure that if he ever got out alive from being married to me, he would never willingly marry another woman again.

He didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve to disrespect myself so very much. I said I was sorry. Sorry only goes so far.

And I've never made that mistake again. Even when my temper was flaring. I take time outs before my mouth does damages. I like being safe instead of sorry.

With love & delicious shutting up~
Cy.

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