Monday, February 6, 2012

Moment of MotherHood 2/6/12

1st night home from camp

My heart came home from his 3 day/2night class camping trip on Friday 2/3/12. It's taken me over a week to really assimilate how I feel about being (a good) Momma & letting my son unfurl his "wings".

Let me first tell you that I was a big wreck of a mother from Wednesday to Friday when my eyes & hands touched him again.

On Wednesday, I was mess but I didn't cry.
On Thursday, I was very sorely tempted to get in the van and DRIVE down to his camp & check on him just to make sure he was ok. I drove myself to Kaneohe & stayed there until 1am when it was just absolutely too late to drive all the way around the island to Waialua.
On Friday, I finally cracked. I spent 5 minutes crying that my baby, this littlest of my hearts had been gone for three days and did not miss me, did not cry for me and did not think of his poor lonely Mommy sitting at home hugging his cat FatsieCakes waiting for him to come back already.

(Ha! How do you like that image of crazy mother?)

But as I told my friend (while I was sobbing) I love my son enough to let him go so he can find out for himself to trust himself enough no matter where I am. I did NOT drive to Waialua to spy on him because it was important to Katz that he do this on his own. That made it important to me to let him.

Being a good Mom is tough. I spend a good portion of my time vacillating between sheltering my children & shoving them out the door to experience for themselves the strength of themselves.

(They can not learn to grow strong by constantly living in my shadow)

Now let me share with you what his "homecoming" was like on that Friday afternoon.

I wrapped up my meetings in Wahiawa & drove back to Laie. Katz had already asked me not to pick him up or wait for the bus to come in. So I decided to honor his wishes.

Except for that as I drove past his school, the buses were unloading a group of children. My heart leaped & sang with joy! I tuned down the lane to his school only to find out his class had already disembarked & headed to their classrooms. The children I was seeing getting off the bus were from another grade.

(There were a lot of happy parents that day)

Most of Katz's class had already been picked up by their parents or grandparents or families. When I saw Katz he was across the field dragging his luggage back to class. I called out to him. Well, to be honest - I HOLLERED out to him until he stopped and turned around and LOOKED at me.

Let me just tell you, the look on his face was not joy to see his mother. It was disappointment that I'd shown up sooner than he was ready to end his fun. I gave him a hug. He didn't quite hug me back. He told me again in that little boy/little man voice that he told me not to come till 2pm! What was I doing there?

Sufficiently chastised (and happy to have seen he was alive, safe & healthy) I went to the office to get a badge so I could stay on campus for the next hour because I sure wasn't gonna go all the way home to Kahuku just to drive back to Laie.

Those poor office ladies! They had to listen to my spiel about my son who didn't miss me at all. I told everyone I met that my son didn't miss me at Camp Erdman. I even told the Vice Principle. She laughed & asked me is Katzu your youngest? I said yes. She laughed some more and said,"That explains it."

She told me she drove over the Camp Erdman on Thursday to do field observations. She said Katzu was really showing his leadership skills. He was the one helping his bunk mates, taking care of his buddies & making sure that everyone was where they were supposed to be. He was having a grand old time rock wall climbing, hiking & doing demo's. He was shining.

(I want to cry all over again)

How is it this youngest heart of mine who I struggle to get him to be responsible for himself could be so responsible for others? They say he didn't hesitate to step & take care of any chores that needed to be done, to clean up after himself & others & to follow the rules & help his friends do the same. He also didn't hesitate to lead his entire bunkhouse on a raid of the girls bunkhouse too.

(He thinks I didn't hear about that too)

He remembered to pray each night.

(Who is this child? And who body snatched my naughty one?)

Of course no camp experience would be complete without unpacking the bags and finding out that the brand new toothbrush was still in the wrapping, the body wash & scrubber had never been opened and that the 3 pairs of underwear I sent with him came back also still with tape on them. He was missing his shorts & had lost a pillow and misplaced his spidey underoos (I have a suspicion about which girl snatched those!). But all in all, those things can be replaced.

The lessons Katz learned about trusting himself by going by himself to camp - can not be replaced. Thank you God for giving him the chance to learn that now while he is young enough to incorporate it. Thank you God for sustaining me while he was gone.

Mother Hubbard commented to me that I sent him to camp a boy and he came back a man. (Ha! As if.) I told Mother, I sent him a mouse and then he came back a man. Mother laughed at me and said,"Look at your boys! Do any of them look like a mouse to you?"

(laughs & grins)

No I don't think any of my children could ever in any life ever be a mouse. They have way to much of my heart in them for them to ever ever ever be a mouse.

Katzu: 2 yrs old
With love & delicious crazy mothering~

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