Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Moment of Motherhood 2/1/12

This is my heart getting ready to leave me. Hurrying off to his Camp Erdman class field trip. 

 He never once looked back at me. He was too busy starting his adventures, talking with his friends, excited to get on the bus & get on his way.

I walked around the bus to tap on his window. Again he was busy talking & laughing & taking pictures with his friends.

There goes my little face, this little person who's as tall as me now & certainly much smarter than me. My heart seizes up watching him leave & I ask myself for the billionth time - have I made the right decision to let him go to a 3 day camp without me?

(Seriously,God? Am I ready for this?)

We've had years to work to this day. He's been gunning for a chance to go to Camp Erdman with his entire 3rd grade class & more importantly without me ever since Robyna went 3 years ago & Tafi went 2 years ago. He's planned on going & persistently kept at me to make the scheduled payments on his accounts, purchase his gear in advance, pack his duffel bag & mark my calendar with a big February 1 as his day.

Now he's gone. He's at his camp with his class & friends. I can see him in my mind's eye - laughing & joking & sharing his sub sandwich & chips with his group of buddies. He made sure to pack extra puddings to share with his best buddy Mac. The sun is warm, the trade winds are gentle. Right now, where he is - its lots of fun & sun.

(I wish I was there)

I'm home with my other two children, my niece & nephew and all of us agree -
we're not the same without him.

(How are we going to manage without him for 3 days?)

Our home is quieter, there is no Katzu to nag & pester his way into the thick of things. He isn't here to harass Tafi about a million different things that Tafi doesn't want to talk about. He isn't here to nag at Simz either about the latest cartoon character. He isn't here to tell me Did I hear about what happened at school to so & so?

I want to cry for myself because here's my baby, my last, my littlest & he's striking forward so independently! He will not miss me as much as I already miss him. I'm conflicted: He is growing past me - the way that he should & this is a good thing. He is exactly where he should be. I'm so very proud of him!

I miss my baby. I want my baby back.

(I know. He isn't a baby. But he's always going to be my baby)

I wished for a moment today that his father was here. Selfishly, I wished it for myself. I know him well enough to know what he would tell me if he was here ~ that I was making a cake of myself & I should leave the boy alone because I was babying him too much.

(See? Even deadbeat dads can have a purpose in my (imaginary) life)

With love & delicious kids on a field trip ~

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