|For me so I can see what everyone else out there has too see|
I don't want to go run this morning.
It's 8:01am & I am still parked in my car watching the minutes tick by. I'm gripped by anxiety to get out & run.
What is this?
Where is this crazy coming from?
Working out is what I do. This is my habit & my addiction of choice. When I am NOT working out in the mornings - I feel incomplete. Like when I forget to pray before bed or brush my teeth in the mornings. Last year when I was sick & in the hospital my only thoughts were when can I get back in the gym without busting my stitches? I asked all of my doctors, "Can I run tomorrow? How about just a little bit? And slow?"
(See? That's how die hard I was. Am. Will be again)
Working out & getting my sweat on is what I do. I LOVE the feel of my body pushing weights or rowing or running cardio even if all I can do is one minute of it. I LOVE the feel good endorphins that get me high as a kite every day! If I can't have sex or chocolate - then dammit! What I will have is a good hard workout!
So why am I sitting in my car watching the clock unable to make myself get out & run it?
Part of it has to do with my expired gym membership (which I'm working on re-newing). The other part of it is getting back in to running on pavement in the open air on the open road where people can see me.
The safety of the gym where I've worked out for the past 2 years isn't there.
I'm OUT THERE where PEOPLE CAN SEE ME jiggling while jogging, sweating & singing. I look like a big sweaty splotchy mess of a woman when I'm working out. I am not cute & I do not smell fresh like a daisy even though I make it a point to shower before I workout every day & I am blind when I work out because I hate wearing my glasses.
The hateful Harriettes & Harry's, the bitter Betty's & Bob's, the gossiping Gals & Guys who drive by in their big SUV's & shiny trucks. All the bitches who wish massive amounts of hateful diarrhea on me for being out there. They are there & even if they don't know me by name - they can see me.
I know they are there.
I got too used to the enclosed & familiar safety of the gym I frequent. Everyone there is supportive. Everyone there is there for their own reasons. Everyone there pretty much comes there to work out & get it done. Everyone minds their own damned work out & just want to get through their own one.
Just like me.
But being out on the pavement requires me to re-set my mental toughness. To become aware of my surroundings. To run sweaty & breathless knowing that people going by in their cars are looking at my ass & wondering how in the hell does that ass get moving like that? To stop when people I do know stop their cars to say Hey Girl! Getting some exercise in & I tell them No, I'm running to McDonalds so I can eat a BigMac for breakfast.
Which I plan on doing today. Get out & Run It. But NOT to McDonalds.
As I lace up my shoes & search for a good song on the IPOD & watch the minutes click by I tell myself, "Sorry bitches but I won't be defeated by fear or shame today. You can hate all you want on me. I am still going to get up & get out of this car & run it even if all I run is one single minute. Because then I win. I win because I got it done. Because I am here."
And as I run the first half mile from BYU-H to Laie Elementary (where I wave at Katzu who's walking back to class) I also say to myself,"This one is for all of us FatGirls who show up & get it done. I'm running with you girls & I'm running for you."
With love & delicious open pavements~