Monday, January 9, 2012
Mothering Much or What?
Or how I like to say it Mothering Much or what?
I constantly check & re-check myself if I've crossed over the line from mothering my children to smothering them.
Have I taught them to be self reliant little people? Or have I taught them that I have all the answers?
Because on some days - it really does seem like they've learned nothing. Not one damn thing. Not how to care for themselves & certainly not how to care for others. It's like I've handicapped them - failed to prepare them for life beyond & in excess of me.
I just want to give myself a big fat WTF! (With dark chocolate sprinkles on top please)
And when I'm shouting out swear words that my Bishop across the street can surely hear - I have to wonder Are my children deaf? Didn't they hear me tell them that they have to learn how to cook & clean & shop & save & store & do laundry & hang clothes & sweep floors & plant seeds & haul weeds & tend gardens?
Didn't my boys hear me when they asked me to sew up their blankies & I handed them a needle & thread & said Have at it!?!
Some days I have to wonder.
Like what the hell boys! Put some deodorant on before your stench starts to burn my eyes out. Or why dammit are your stinky socks hiding in your book basket? Or Yes you must shower every day. EVERY SINGLE DAMN DAY and sometimes twice a day if you've been out & about in this heat.
They ask me why it is they have to learn how to serve each other. Why it is every one can't just do for themselves. And that's when the Primary lessons start coming out. What if Jesus felt that way about it? What if Heavenly Father didn't love us so much that He gave his only Begotten Son to suffer & bleed & die for things/sins He didn't commit? He served & continues to serve us out of love. When we serve, we are loving in motion or as one sister said to me, Love Out Loud!
I have to tell them - you're learning to serve so you can learn to lead. You can't be a leader without understanding the fundamental key in leading is ... serving. (And not self serving at the soft serve ice cream machine either) Serving is Leading & Leading is Loving.
Then there are times when they are so deep in the shit that they can't see out & they decide that THAT is the perfect time for them to shut up & NOT TELL ME WHATS UP!
Sim is still learning this lesson but gradually he's coming to the realization the best time to ask for help is NOT when the big F is looming large on the front. Ask for help while there's still space & time enough to get it done without divine intervention.
Kennedy Katzu & I have been practicing that I will never punish for telling the truth but if I catch you lying you'd better start becoming a firm believer in prayer because only God will be able to save you from the wrath of Mom.
Katz is dealing with a tough teacher this year. She is fair. He is lazy. I'm caught between wanting to intervene & letting him navigate this challenge by himself. What I hope he learns more than school work is to be resilient & bounce back when things/people/challenges are hard. Because that's what he says now about school, its not fun, its hard, its work.
And those things are true. His teacher does yell at him & single him out because he doesn't complete his assignments but more so because he's so cavalier about not completing his school work. He's smart. He knows it. He's charmed. He knows it. This is one of the first times that he's had to work hard at completing something.
It is tough to watch him struggle. I have to restrain myself from jumping in there & telling his teacher to back off. But I trust her. I've talked to her. I'm wary. I don't trust many people with my children. Her yelling stresses him out, which doesn't stress me out - it pisses me off. He is my baby. I want to make the world good for him.
But I also know that he's not a baby anymore and that if I want to make Katz into the kind of man I believe he is - I need to keep my mouth shut & stay out of it.
Oh! I tell you Mothering may be a noble profession but the hours suck, the pay sucks & sometimes the people you're in charge of suck too.
And some times all I can do is sit on the back porch steps & thank God for the warm sunshine because when it get like this ~ that's all that makes it better.
Which is what I plan to do first thing in the morning. Watch the sun come up & soak up some sunshine in the quiet morning before the kids get up & scrambling around like water drops on a hot frying pan.
With love & delicious crazy Mothering~