Friday, January 20, 2012

Cheetos Days & Pity Parties

Because some days, you just need a Cheetos

Some times, I feel sorry for myself. Not often. Usually I make sure to get my pity party all out of my system in one go.

But last week, the blahblahblah's got the upper hand on me & instead of having one big bitch fest & then setting it aside - I let in linger & fester.

And worse, I fed the pity party CHEETOS.

Not chocolate (which I could justify as a substitute for the sex I am not having) but CHEETOS. There is no escaping the fact that when your face first chin deep in a bag of neon orange cheesy dust - there's a problem somewhere that has nothing to do with hunger.

Even as I placed the buy 2 for $6 minus $1 off coupon Cheetos on the conveyor belt, I heard myself telling the cashier," I know. I'm having a Cheetos day. It's just been shitty today & I need a Cheetos." She laughed and said,"No worries, girl! I know what you mean. I ate a bag yesterday after my kids told me about all the homework they didn't do yet. I get it. Cheetos make it better."  We laughed. I left with my 2 bags of Cheetos tucked into my big black bag. 

Those babies were for me. For later. For making me feel better.

Which is just horrible!
Bah! 
That's not the way that my life works anymore! 

I don't eat to feel better. I eat to fuel my body. (In the words of Dr. Socks,"Is that a rock? Yes? Does it have protein?Yes? Then eat it. You don't eat for fun. You eat for fuel.")

If I feel like shit its because I feel like shit about something else/someone else/somewhere else & I'm dealing with it directly.

Which is true. I've been feeling shitty because...

There's a set of people I've been avoiding/dodging/procrastinating dealing with. Mostly because I absolutely hate drama. I hate having to deal with other people's emotional cyclones. It's messy. It's ugly. It's an energy drain for me.

It's necessary.

*sigh*

And I've been feeling shitty because....

I realized that for most people my age, the reason that they don't have the kind of friendships that I do is that they don't work at it. If I let go  - no wait, let me re-phrase that - if I just stop working at being friends ( & being friendly), people just fade away & they don't come back. 

People are alone because they stop working on connecting themselves to themselves & investing their love in other people. It's not that they stop caring or loving - they just stop making the effort.

And I've been feeling shitty because...

There are some people who are going to hate me & want to kill me if they could. Not because of any thing I've done to them but because the simple fact that I exist in this world is painful for them. That I live, love & laugh enrages them. I defy their definitions. No amount of kindness or love from me will change the way they work.

That makes me sad. 

Some one so unexpected reached out to give me a shoulder to cry on & a ear to listen to my whineybitchybaby pity party. And as we talked & walked for 3 miles - he reminded me that I have so very much, that I should count my many blessing, that yes serving our fellows is tiring & hard work. He listened to me without judgement for feeling crappy & blue & weary. 

He re-assured me that it was alright to be tired & frustrated & angry & sad & lonely & hurt. But that for those of us who know better, we are expected to serve better - to apply our knowledge of the Gospel & Love Out Loud. He reminded me of what Love means.

He reminded me that God answers my prayers, especially the prayers that I haven't said yet but am in desperate need of because all I can do cry for a bit. It's tough to always be the tough one, the strong one, the go to girl. Even the best fall down sometimes. 

The key is to never stay down. Always get up. 
And to put the Cheetos in the trash.

With love & deliciousness~
Cy.


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