Monday, August 27, 2012

Delicious!

8/24/12 Sunrise in Kahuku
I love getting up early enough to watch the sky change colors as the sun comes up.
My children & cats are still asleep.
The fans are still whirring.
Even the rooster next door is quiet.

I love the stillness of it.

It gives me time to check my emails for love letters (which by the way aren't flooding my inbox *hint*hint*) & to log into my fb to catch up with my buddies who are already more than half way into their day. (being in Hawaii makes me literally the last to get up except for American Samoa where they get up an hour later in the day than me)

It gives me time to think.

I'm 41 years old now. What do I want to accomplish for myself this coming year?

I've been writing for a year now. The Delicious! blog has taken on a couple of different looks as I've sifted to find its right feel & look.

It's time for me to come up with something else more structured about what I want to write about. It's not enough anymore to just write - I have to write that something in me that always wants to be read.

It's time for me to step outside my comfort zone (again).

With that said, Delicious! is going to take a short break & come back next week with a new format & theme.

With love & Delicious!,
Cy.

PS Thanks for reading & sticking with me this past year! You've been absolutely great!



Friday, August 24, 2012

Happy BirthedtotheWorld Day!!!

Isn't that the cutest hood ornament for newlyweds? (I almost stole it today at the Temple!)



I'm 41 years old today.

(Thank you Jesus! Seriously. Thank YOU Jesus.)

40 was a year of growing & I don't gotta tell y'all that GROWING isn't so easy or fun or a piece of cake. Growing is damn hard work. Like just about everything else in my life.

This past year of my life took me way the hell out of my comfort zones - which I get is what growing does to a person.
Me & My not so Mini-Me's 8/23/12

I grew past my anxiety, past my fears & way waaaaaaaaaaay past my anger.

I started writing last year when I turned 40. And published what I wrote. It'd been literally 10 years since I'd written more than a grocery shopping list. Writing terrified me. I was unable to do it without having a complete & total fwaking meltdown. Which made no sense to me since I used to get paid to write (and write and write)

I also started to seriously start training & running & weight lifting. (That didn't stick so well but it's a work in progress). 40 brought me to my personal best running time: A 9 minute 36 second mile. (Never mind that I haven't hit that since then - I did it once & I'm damned proud of that!) At 40 years old, I was finally FINALLY able to to bench press 150lbs. (Never mind again that as of today I can only 75 lbs. That's what happens when you slack off). The weight room & its many steel plates & weighted machines & free weights intimidated me for many years. To me, it was that place where real athletes go & I was just a fat girl vacationing impersonating a potentially serious runner/trainer/athlete. (I'm over that now.) 40 also gave me my lowest & highest weight on the scale since 2008. (I've accepted the scale is not broken, it is not my friend & I'm going to shatter it into tiny pieces as a gift to myself later today. *shrugs* Who knows? I may even BBQ it)

I became legally employed by the State of Hawaii Dept. of Education at 40 years old. Wow. Seriously. Who'd ever thought of all the employment options I have available to me that I'd wind up as a State employee in DOE? Well, at least thank you Jesus (that's one of my favorite sayings!) I'm not a teacher. (I don't have the stamina for it. It's true. I don't.) And Thank you again Jesus for letting me have a paid job!

At 40, I learned to forgive & accept that I love someone who loves me too but is currently married, devoted & deeply in love with his wife & children. He is without a doubt, a genetically terminally stupid man. (He can't help it.) I mean really? What smart cookie wants to openly admit that she's in love with a chicken-shit idiot? He's like a combination of the cowardly lion & the scarecrow. It's just not cool.

(As a sidenote: I think my Ex is one of those flying dingo-monkeys in the Wizard of Oz. You know, the Wicked Witch of the West's ugly pets. I can't decide which character I am. Hehehehehehe... I won't melt if you throw water on me!)

Timing is everything.

And I plan on being the right girl at the right place at the right time for the right man for me. (Which I am going to qualify right here & now - may not be the aforementioned loveofmylife. It could some other man. As in some other not married but so damn rich he makes other rich men wish they could be as rich as him sort of rich man. Yeah, that man. Maybe I'll marry that man instead.)

And finally, on the last day of being 40 years old, in the last hour of the day & just to add drama - right to the last damn minute before I turned 41 years old but certainly after I ate my last doughnut....

I.Cut.All.My.Hair.Off.

All of it. Every single last strand of it. It's gone. And I'm glad. I always wanted to do it . For myself. Because whatthefuck? its hair? So its gone.

Of my boys, Katzu freaked out the most. He's still freaking out as I type this. He's hoping I'll wrap my head up because he's afraid the kids will tease him. I told him, "We don't care what other people think or say or do. We care what we think. We care what we do. All we can control in our lives, is ourselves. What other people think of us, is none of our damn business."

Which totally went over his happy head of hair & out the window. I'm sure nothing I said made sense to him & he's hoping & praying no one will make fun of him. You know, because he has a weird Mom. *rolls my eyeballs*

So far, I've shocked just about everyone. Including my neighbors who stopped walking to stare at me like I'd sprouted a secondary head instead of just shaved my hair off. *laughs*

(Looks to me like 41 is going to be hellafwacking awesome!)

I'm 41 years old today & this is a beautiful thing to be.

With love love love & delicious bald heads & big birthday hugs & kisses~
Cy.

PS Did I mention I got a tattoo? *laughs* Temporary of course.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Easy thoughts & images

A difference of perceptions
This has become one of my favorite images to work on this week.

I love the warmth of it. I love the texture of the brick. I love the morning sunlight pouring through. I love the feel of peeking thru the pukas in the bricks & seeing people rush by in cars & buses & bikes.

It makes me wish I could be tiny enough to fit myself into it & soak up the sunshine while watching the world zoom by.

I've spent weeks walking past this hallway at work, making notes of the lighting, the angles, the shadows.

The only time that light comes into that hallway through those bricks & light up that way - is early morning about 6:30am to 7:30am.

8:00am is too late already. The light has faded & that place becomes a dark hallway like all other hallways.


It's been an interesting summer working but not really getting paid. In short I've been gifting my time to the school. Well, even gifting is a big word when you consider that the state has been holding 30 hours a week of my life hostage. I've learned that nothing really changes. People just become more themselves.

But I've loved being there. I love watching people. I really love watching all the cliques & followers & so forth. I love the subtle politics. I love the power plays. Everyone believes they are the sun in their universe & everyone else are just orbiting moons reflecting their golden glory.

Well, lets be honest - most of them wouldn't even consider most of their workmates a distant constellation in their galaxy. Clock out at 5pm & call it a day!

I've learned that just because people have degrees conferred by Universities of High Learning - almost all of them have not learned to listen. They hear but they don't listen.

Everyone wants someone to listen to what they say but it seems that listening & hearing are skills you don't learn in school.

I hear a workmate talking about her husband & I wonder if she hears what she isn't saying about him. I hear the love in her voice, I hear the love he has for her, I hear the hurt & the need he feels at being the last on her list for her time & attention. He's a big baby at heart. He's her baby & it sounds like to me what he is... is sick & tired & ignored. He's also the man that wants her to let him take care of her, his way - like a man. The man.

Men are strange creatures, I don't even want to pretend that I understand them. But I get it.

I hear another workmate talking about her OCD & her obsessive controlling behavior that doesn't allow for her to trust anyone else to do a job. Sounds to me like she doesn't trust herself enough to give herself the forgiveness that she's refusing to give others.

I hear another workmate talking about Jesus & asking when are all the other people going to get what they've got coming to them when all it looks like is that good people suffer more & bad people skate free. What I hear her saying is Jesus Have I been blessed enough? You blessed them, now what about me?

For a group of people who teach children what active listening is & how to do it - many of them are failing egregiously (hehehehehe... $10 word of the day!) at listening & hearing what their workmates are truly saying.

Now I don't pretend that I know these people. Like I said before, I don't really know these people or hang out with them outside of the few hours I spend with them during the day.

It's just been very interesting people kinda summer.

So what does that have to do with the pictures? Only that people aren't always what they seem. And neither are images. We have really look to see & really listen to hear each other.

with love & delicious images (people)~
Cy.


Monday, August 13, 2012

LifeDays: Looking backwards but mostly heading FORWARD


My LifeDay was this past Saturday. I spent it watching the early morning moon & stars fade into a glorious riot of pinks, oranges & purples & blues of a sunrise I truly believe can only be found here in Kahuku, Hawaii. Then heading out for Chapel clean up with rakes & groggy children. Then enjoying the baptisms of 3 young men & then hanging out at our Ward Pool party.

The sun was hot, the kids were noisy & scrambled eggs were the dish of the day. Yummy. I tried to sit away from the crowd but my niece & the gaggle of pre-teen girls stalked me down & proceeded to chat my ears off about boys.

(as if. boys. One girl actually asked me if I had a boy friend in high school. I said No. Whatever would I want one for? She looked at me like I'd sprouted another head or something. I asked her, You're in 7th grade, what the hell are you gonna do with a boyfriend except for have drama? Trust me you have all the rest of your life to have drama. Save it for when you have to have it & enjoy the peace & quiet right now. Sage advice huh? It was also handily ignored)

When they finally left to scarf down donuts & chips (how nice to be 12 years old with a teenage metabolism) It gave me time to pause & reflect on my past four years.
I gotta say - it's not quite all that bad!
*grins & winks*
Some of it has been pretty damn good!

In four years, I've managed to run a 9 minute 36 second mile. I've also managed to bench press a 150lb. I've climbed & hiked Diamond Head & Koko Head crater. I've walked/run a 5k AND a 10k. In more practical terms - I've walked/run from 7-11 Hauula to my home in Kahuku. I've biked. I've roller skated (not well I might add). I've hula hooped, Zumba'd & squated like a champ! I've also jumped rope & shimmied on the Kindergarten playground. Lord, have mercy - I have also done diamond push ups & Burpees. (with much bitching I must add as well!)

I've worn size 10 dresses (thank you Spandex) and I've stuffed my big ass into size 14 jeans ( size 12 seems to elude me still) but better than all that ...

The thing I'm most proud of in all of that is... I've worn out the soles twice on my running shoes. Big time Ups for me. Those busted up shoes represent to me the gratitude I have for my life because I was worth every single effort to get healthier.

I'm on the hunt for new running shoes this week. Katzu has taken off with my Reebok's & my New Balances I bought a month ago. My babyfeet need to learn to handle the pavement again.

I still have a list of things I haven't done yet. I really think that this new year of life is going to bring opportunities for me to cross them off my "Bucket List".

  • Paddle Boarding
  • Roller Derby
  • Ice Skating
  • Go Kart Racing
  • Para-Gliding
  • Sky Diving
  • Kick Boxing
I've been considering getting my certification in Zumba this year as a gift to myself - never mind that I can not Zumba to save my life AND that I have zero coordination. I just want to know for myself that as a fat girl - I can get my ass certified in a sport where skinny bitches are the norm.

And I'm thinking that I'd like to become licenced Personal Trainer. (Again because I've been there - God! Some days I'm still there.)

When I do become a PT, I want my clients to know that I know what it's like to be out of shape & intimidated in a big gym & by skinny rabid people tossing weights & sweat around like candy. I want them to know that they can do it because I can do it too.

All we gotta do is start. Oh! and keep on going! Don't stop because starting all over is a bitch on the feet!

with love & delicious LifeDays~
Cy.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Gratitude


I've had a rolling couple of days this week & a rolling couple of weeks this month. Mostly its all been rolling right on over me.

*roll*roll*roll*
*bitch*scream*rant*twit angry tweets*cry*pray*repeat all over again*

But today, right in this minute - I really had to stop & look & see what it is I'm so hurt & angry about. And even if I believe or feel justified in my hurts, who am I really hurting by holding on to this anger & pain?

Me. I hurt me the most.
So some people are going to be assholes. *shrugs* that happens. I have no control over what other people do. All I have control over is what I do with what I've been given.

We can only roll with it - our only real choice is are we gonna roll along merrily or bitchily?
(I admit, I've been rolling rather bitchily. and tearfully. and angrily.)

It occurred to me that all of us have crap that hurts us. How do you get through it? Or over it? Or passed it?

Gratitude. What a magic word. Gratitude.
Once you start looking at what you do have, what you don't have doesn't matter. Gratitude puts obstacles & crap into proper perspective. The BIG problems become little. The MOUNTAINS become anthills.

And I have so very very very much to be grateful for.

So let's count my blessings, okay?

I thank God for my life, my body, my health & my mind. I thank God for my children that they are also happy & healthy & here with me. I thank God for my family & my close friends who love me & let me rant like a crazy lady whenever I need too. I thank God for Mother Hubbard, that my children & I can live with her & laugh with her. I thank God for this home we live in because hey! we could be homeless. I thank God for the food we have because again hey! we could be starving. I thank God for the laughter of all the children at Laie Elementary. What a beautiful gift they've given me. I thank God that 3 different people stopped to talk to me today about themselves, about what's troubling them & that they felt better after someone just listened to them. I thank God that my Bestie sent me chocolates last week. I thank God that my sister called me last week. I thank God that my sister of the heart sent my son a birthday present in the mail. I thank God that Sim is patient & kind with me being so cross & crabby. I thank God that I can pray. Even better, I thank God for making sure I know I am a Child of God & that He loves me un-questionably. I thank God for electricity, water & internet because I don't like writing by candlelight & because internet allows for instant gratification/soothing/comfort when ranting. I thank God for my bed & soft comfy pillows that help me to be rested. I thank God for hot water showers that make every day so much better. I especially thank God that before I sleep each night, I'm the lucky parent who gets to hug & kiss & pray with all three of my sons because we're here together.

I have more blessings to be grateful for but those were the ones that really made me cry good tears & release the anger I've been holding towards ... just about everyone.

with love & delicious gratitude~
Cy.


Saturday, July 28, 2012

Happy Birthday Katzu!!! :Moments of MotherHood


Happy Birthday Katzu

Kennedy Katzu turned 9 last week Sunday. It was a quiet celebration starting at 12 minutes after midnight with a spidey birthday cake. He insisted on all 36 candles on his cake - all lit at the same time.

It was a fire hazard of cake! But it made him happy. Behind Sim & Tafi, we had a fire extinguisher on hand just in care the candles got too happy!

But it was a good. Because we all stayed up so very late, we missed church that morning. Which was fine with all of us since none of us wanted to get dressed & go anyway.

Birthday Cake is lucky cake!
Katzu got his first phone of the day from Geoffrey the Giraffe. Who left a very excited & happy Happy Birthday message for him. His second call came from his Aunty Tish who also left a very excited & happy Happy Birthday message for him.

(which prompted a smattering of protest from Tafi because he didn't get anything as cool as phone call messages wishing him a Happy Birthday. He was pouting about that. Never mind that a few months ago, he had a big blowout of birthday party at the BYU-H gameroom with 50 of his best buddies!)

Katzu got his 1000+ POG collection as a gift from me. He got PizzaHut coupons from Sim. He got something yummy & edible from Tafi.

He waited all day & night for the one thing he really wanted: a phone call from his dad. A message on the answering machine saying Happy Birthday. Something. Anything.

Nothing.
His dad didn't call. Didn't write. Didn't care.
Birthday CheezeBalls!

Which is also nothing new.

What's new is that Katz has to begin accepting that his dad is un-available to him all ways: mentally, spiritually, physically & emotionally and learn to keep on going.

I don't really understand the kind of person a man must be to abandon his children - HIS CHILDREN so that he can play father to the children of his second wife & multiple girlfriends. As long as I live, I will never accept any man as a good man if he failed to care for his children.

Nothing anyone says will make me change my mind because any man who can abandon his children, is a man who's word  & work mean nothing. Less than nothing. He can not be trusted.

As a family, we're holding together. Looking forward to the new school year, new classes, new experiences. We're all in this together (don't laugh! That's one of my theme songs!) and We're In It To WIN IT!

with love & delicious birthdays!~
Cy.



Monday, July 16, 2012

Happy in the Moment


Crownflowers at Laie Cemetery

Faith, it seems is something you have to keep practicing at or it gets rusty dull shaky.
(yes. that's the word... shaky)

And when you get to a certain level of faithfulness where its all so effortless, you get shoved up to the next level of faithfully working out least you get too comfortable & squishy.

Which should have been my first red flag that a big test of faith was on the horizon!

I don't mind trials of faith. I welcome accept them. I know that they have to happen so that I can have an increase of faith fullness. (why so much increase? Because that's the way it goes. *shrugs*)

Every one every where every day, have to go through their own trials & tests of their faith. I get that. I'm not special in being tested. So I'm not whining about that.

What I really do mind however is when the tests get sprung on me with no forewarning!
(which I supposed shouldn't surprise me. )

Recently, I completed an unexpected trial of faith by fire. I can say that I finished this section of the exam & passed. But Wow! How about I pass my exams less bloodied up? less beat up? less on my ass crying to God & Jesus & the Holy Ghost & all the ancestors & all the angels in the Heavens for help to sustain me, carry me & hold me firm?

So I passed & crawled through the storm. (Yay, Me!) But it seems to me that I'm always passing on my ass & screaming! *laughs*

I learned a deep lesson from my second son Tafilele. As his mother, my heart & soul broke for him as I watched him struggle with his own trial of faith in the past couple of weeks. He took immediate responsibility for his wrongs & asked for help to make himself right again. We spent that evening (and many other nights) in prayer & tears & gratitude to God.

In retrospect, things could've been so very much worse. All it takes is a little bit of not right choices to start the avalanche & then you're sitting in hell wondering how in the hell you got there!
(been there. done that.)

Tafilele knows that I love him & from me he learns daily that God loves him & that there isn't anything that can make me or God love him any less. Nothing.

The counsel I gave to my son came back to me: Turn your face away from theses things that will hurt you. No good can come of it. Turn your face & never look back at it. Keep on going & go straight.

My faith is intact. My utter gratitude to God's love for me reaffirmed. Thank You God for every thing, for helping me be more faithful & trusting in Your divine will. Thank You God for understanding that I bitch & moan about the work & the uncomfortable squeezing of whatever by the whoevers & the lack of a worthy companion right at this moment but that when I'm done complaining ~ I get it done.

With love & delicious ass-kicking trials of faith~
Cy.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Time Outs

Castle Beach, Kahuku


What an absolute perfect day.

I got in a run this morning at the gym. I broke in some new running shoes. (I feel a blister coming on in my immediate future. *grins*) I went to the beach after I sweat  & swore during my run. (baby feet again. poor things. don't worry, I've got another workout scheduled for tomorrow!)


broken kukui nuts

 I had hours out there on the sand, sitting under the warm sun thinking deep thoughts. It was good to be warm & dry & happy. Too many times, in the past couple of months, I've put off taking care of me so that I could take care of everyone else.

I think that's a common ailment of women everywhere. We love so much & give so much of ourselves that we forget to give back to us too. We love loving our families & our friends & our causes near to our heart! But we have to learn when to call a time out & close our doors & take care of us first.

(In my case, I called a time out & went to the beach!)

As I was sitting there, those kukui nut shells peaked out from a shallow sand mound. 2 broken halves of the same shell. I pieced them back together but sometimes, things just have to be part ~ for whatever purpose.
I put them back (kinda) the same way I had found them.

Now I have a clearer perspective of several choices I have to make. Some choices need to be made sooner, some can wait a little bit longer. Regardless, they still have to be made.

So as I lay me down to sleep tonight, I thank my God for all He does for me. I thank Him for His un-ceasing love for me, for the strength He pours into my being each day, for the joy He puts in my heart each moment, for his acceptance & forgiveness of my (many) tantrums as I grow more towards becoming the soul He envisioned of me.

With Love & delicious beaches~
Cy.


PS. When did my nose get so big? *laughs*

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Happy Cake

Rainbow Cake from Saint Germaines Bakery in Waipahu
This is what I'm going to have for lunch. You know why? Because I just damned well feel like it.

Sometimes, a girl just needs some cake. Today, I'm that girl & that's my cake!!!

As I drive out to Waipahu (or Kalihi, depending on the boys where they want to go too) ~ I'll be thinking of you & wishing you could be here with a fork held high in salute to this beautiful yummy cake!

I'm going savor each forkful of guava/lilikoi/lime cake with whipped cream frosting. I'm going to make indecent Hmmmmmmmmmmmm sounds & let my eyeballs roll into the back of head. It's going to be that good.

Be jealous whereever you are. Very jealous.

Until I weigh in tomorrow, then you can laugh your ass off at me too!

*grins*

With love & delicious rainbow cakes~
Cy.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Fathers & Daughters: Moments of MotherHood



shells from Waianae Beach

I don't get it. I really don't get it.

How there are some men in the world, who are also fathers who can make such monsterously selfish choices for their children!

Okay, so (again) I came across yet another father of daughters who instead of training his daughters to become independant self-preserving women of substance, insists that they be little dolly princesses because he's ALWAYS going to be there to take care of them, to keep them safe, to give them all the comforts of the whatever.

BAH!!!! 

Why do men do this to their daughters? Don't they LOVE them & want them to be strong enough to care for themselves independently of a man be it father, brother, uncle or husband? Why does strong equate to impure? And keeping these girls in their fragile weak Oh woe is me! state equates to purity?

(I call a bullshit timeout on that one)

What happens when a man just isn't there by no fault of the woman? Don't these men get it, that they deliberately handicap their daughters when they fail to teach them to think for themselves, to choose for themselves, to accept consequnces for themselves, to manage themselves independently & smartly from a man?

I am not trying in any way to demean or belittle the importance of a man in a womans life.

What I am trying to get across is why don't they raise their daughters to be strong too? Not just educated or employed but soul strong. So that when life's storms start hitting hard, they can take the hits & keep on going. And be strong enough to give shelter to others as well.

Maybe that was just my dad. I was never a dolly princess. or a dolly girlfriend. or a dolly wife. or a dolly damn nothing.

I learned to use my brain & my body & my soul to get things done. I didn't like it but it made me strong and resilient. It made me fierce & clear & steady.

(Okay there were a few years when it also made me crazy, clouded & frenetic. It's all good now!)

which is kinda a good thing. unless you're a whimp of a man who can't handle his own. then me being me kinda sucks for you. *shrugs* Step it up manchild & walk like you mean it! *laughing*


Monday rant over.

With love & delicious strong-ness,
Cy.











Friday, June 22, 2012

FaithFull


One of the things I'm grateful is the ability to live a FaithFull life. It takes guts & courage to live faithfully while nanny naysayers question your rationality & sanity. I have guts a plenty & shitloads of courage!

My new favorite saying is, "I'm not crazy. I'm FaithFull. There's a difference."

And wow! What a Blessing to be FaithFull. I know what that says. It's not a misspelling.

I am literally Full up on Faith!

I've met some interesting souls this past week. Souls struggling with faith based principles. They've asked me to quantify, verify & validate my faith (not just my religious faith). They've asked for evidence of my self, my authority, my right to execute & speak on behalf of the people that I do speak & act for.

Even when my creditials of faith are proven for them, they doubt still. They question still. They see without seeing. They want signs. They want BIG OBVIOUS SIGNS. But that's just not how it works.


I am a Child of God. I am my father's daughter. I am the product of a millennia of souls who've worked hard to make me be what I am today & more importantly sacrificed so that I could choose to be the right person at the right time to do the right thing I was made to do!

Some of us speak of destiny. Those of us who understand where we came from, will understand the pre-mortal contracts we agree too.

(Again I hear the nannynags saying she's crazy! give her some prozac! I ain't crazy you basterds. I'm FaithFull. There's a difference!)

I covenanted for a certain promise to gain certain blessings. I fulfill my promise, I am blessed.

Now that doesn't mean that I don't have the same kinds of crap to deal with that everyone else does. I do. Since I have a mortal body, it has mortal needs - like food & water & shelter. Right now this body is liking donuts again.

(*sigh* Damn donuts. I'm sure I gained another 10 pounds this week! *grins*)

So the big question this week from the nannynags has been,"Well, HOW DO YOU KNOW?"

Here's how I know maggot ~ the truth speaks to me, it rings for me, it sings to me. The truth moves me. And the confirmation comes in small things... here a little, there a little until its time for me to know the larger picture of things. Most of the time, I don't know the why of things till after I've made the choice. In retrospect, then I get to know the consequences of choices.

Thank God! Most of the time, the right choice is the one I made!

My personal compass always leads me true because I have faith that it works & will lead me where I have to go & show me what I have to do. It guides me to the people I need to serve because they have to make choices to become what they need to so they can get to where they have to go to do that thing they have to do!

My God, little maggot is not a liar god. He does not & will not ever lie to me. Ever. My Father loves me. I may not always like what He speaks to me but hey! let's be honest - I don't have to like it to get done. *smiles*

With love & delicious knowing~
Cy.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

FatsoPiggySaggyAss: WIO & Weigh It In

After 6 weeks of not weighing in on the scale, I had a dr's appt on Friday.

Before I could even stop myself, I hopped up on the scale & held my breath while the nurse hustled the weights back & forth.

According to the dr's office, I am less 5 lbs than when I last weighed in on March 31.

Which is good.

I'll also confess right here & now, that I wasn't happy with that number.

So I went to the bathroom & pee'd/poo'd out another couple of pounds.

Bringing my grand total weight loss to * drum roll *
9 pounds!

It's been bugging me a lot that I wasn't satisfied with -5lbs. I wanted more pounds lost & had no problem padding it with a trip to the loo.

There is something seriously wrong when a number has that much power over a person!

And before you say well, that's not so bad ... I also look about 6 months pregnant in this photo. *laughs* I already blew that photo up to see if that's really my belly protruding or if that's my black bag I'm holding.

(I'm going to say its my black bag & not my belly!)

I don't understand it - this obsession with being fitter, skinnier, smaller. Who the hell am I & where did I go?

With love & delicious fattysaggyass ~
Cy.






Wednesday, June 6, 2012

What's in a #? WIO &Weigh It In Wednesday 2/29/12



Jeans.
I have an obsession with jeans.
My obsession is that I want to be able to wear one & look good in it.


These size charts are taken from the LEE Jeans website - which goes to show you what the difference in number can mean.

Women's Plus Size

SIZEWAIST (INCHES)HIP (INCHES)
16W37 1/2 - 3846 1/2 - 47
18W38 1/2 - 3947 1/2 - 48

Women's Regular Size
16P34 1/4 - 3543 1/4 - 44
18P35 3/4 - 36 3/445 - 46

The jeans that are still parked in my closet are a 12.

Last Saturday at the Mall, I saw stacks & stacks of jeans. In the regular section. Had I lost enough inches to fit a pair of regularly sized jeans?

I grabbed a 14, a 16 & a 18. Not the ones marked Plus Size or Women sized. Just regular sizing. Took a deep breath & headed for the fitting rooms. Walked slowly to the last dressing room at the end of the hall. Felt like I was going to my doom.

In some sort of mental haze I tried the largest size first - my logic being that if an 18 isn't going to fit, then there's no hope of fitting into a 16 never mind a 14.

It fit.

Good God Almighty! It fit!

Okay, so it was long because I'm short (5'1 on a good day) & I don't wear heels. But the point is - I got them up over my taro thighs & buttoned them. That counts in my book as a FIT.

So then I tried on the 16. Sucked my gut in & told myself that it wouldn't be so very bad if they didn't fit.
Up.
Up.
and over
and buttoned!

these fit too!!!

And I saved the best for last... the 14.

I got them up & over & buttoned but I ain't gonna lie & tell you it was a good fit.
Jeans are not supposed to tourniquets.
Maybe if I wore them enough times it would give a little bit & then I could breathe a bit more.

But really? Who needs to breathe if you can fit into a size 14 pair of jeans?

I think honestly that the last time I fit into a 14 was when I was 14 years old. And even then I might not have fit it.

And now the disclaimer: Even though I could fit into all of these jeans without muffin tops or ass spillage - they didn't make my legs or ass look shapely or lifted. They made my bottoms looks squashed. Which is not a look I am interested in.

So as I left the fitting room elated that there are jean sizes I couldn't fit into before - I also realized that just because it fits doesn't mean you should wear it.

And I hung them up on the returns rack.

Why is this whole jeans size number a victory for me?

Because just a few short years ago  - they didn't make jeans in my size. Or if they did, they were in sizes I was ashamed to buy in. Instead I wore stretchy pants & knit pants & those horrible awful only fatass people wear them polyester silky lycra blend pants. I remember I even thought about buying a pair of black jeans from the Men's Big & Tall store in town. Big Man Jeans.

*shakes my head* There are some levels of desperate that fat should not drive you too.

I've been there. I know what its like to be fat.

I was that fat girl who:

  • you hoped to God did not get the bus seat next to you or else you'd be shoved over by fleshy spillage. 
  • when I walked by my ass was still jiggling (along with my belly, my boobies, my what evers) & people laughed at me. 
  • when I found clothes at WalMart/Kmart in the Plus Size section was joyful when I came across a 5x or 6x in shirts or pants & bought as many as I could because you never know when you'd see them again. 
  • told other fatgirls that if you're gonna give away your clothes, let me know because I want them! 
  • had to special order her panties from the fatgirl catalogues because stores only stocked up to a size 10 (or maybe a 12 if you were lucky enough to get there before all the other fatgirls bought them out).
  • scoped out the seating plans at a restaurant so that I had a arm-less chair because I couldn't slide comfortably in to a booth.


I don't need to do that any more. And God willing I will never need to do that ever again either. I don't even need to shop in the Plus Size women's sections any more.

Which really shocked the hell out of me the other day.

When did this all happen???
Not over night that's for sure. Because nothing happens over night!

Oh! And I can fit into a bikini!
Ha!
Oh! Was that a fun time in the dressing room!
I about burned my own eyes looking at myself in the mirrors - I couldn't inflict that kind of damage on anyone else!

(Mother Hubbard was shaking her head at me much & much during the bikini sampling)

But no, just because it fits does not mean I have to buy it any more. I have the freedom to choose what to buy.

And this new not as fat as I was? Its taking considerable getting used too. I am always surprised to see my reflection in a window or something as I go by.

(Holy bleeping hell?!? Is that me? When did me look like that? No wonder my kids are paranoid about the clothes I wear or where I wear those clothes when I do go some place.)

Not all my clothes have or need a X in front of the L. Some of them are a M and some of them are a S (mostly the tops & some very stretchy work out yoga tap pants). But a single L? Just regular sized.

I am triumphant! I am fierce! I am so ready to rip it up at the gym!
(I also hold my breath in & cast my gaze around in fear - anxious for some skinny bitch to report me as an impostor. I don't belong here. Security! Please remove the fatso freakass lady from the premises!)

I bought a dress yesterday. For .99 cents. Its a size 10. A real dress like the kind you buy at Neiman Marcus. Which does not have a plus size section last time I checked. I can fit it. Almost. I have too much boobs & back for it. But I can work on that. And then I'll fit it real good & I'll show you all what it does for me.

Until then,
With love & delicious jeans ~
Cy.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Better Her than Me: Time Out Tuesdays



So I heard from a friend that the Ex got re-married last week.
(I haven't been able to second source it yet but considering that my friend is a good solid source & that she heard it direct from the Ex, I'm going to assume its true.)

Wow. The Ex is married. To someone else.
Good for him. No. Really. Good for him.
And Good for her. Seriously. Because better her than me.
(which is what one bitch said of me when I married him the first time around. *laughs* Oh the Irony of that statement! *laughs*)

And just for the record: I don't want him back. I want him to be happy & it looks to me like happy has a different name than mine.

I won't lie and say that it didn't catch at me & give me a hitch in my step for a bit there. It did. Because of who he married & what she is.

She is Mormon. They were married by a Bishop of our faith in a chapel of our church. He is Mormon. (That's a little known fact. He really is Mormon.)

Wow.

Talk about it takes a huge sucking leap of faith on my part to leave this at God's door because I know for a fact that while we were still married, they were already engaged in illicit behaviors (nice way of saying screwing around) but here they are getting legally wedded in a church - a religious place that I believe in by a man called of God- which I also believe in.

Wow. Again, one more time with feeling .... Wow!

[Side note to God: Okay, God. I don't get that but I get that You get this. For whatever purposes in this world & the next, this works for You (and for them). And really in the long term perspective (we're talking multiple eternities here) I'm not God & I can't see the things that God does.]

So that mess of fatty hotness? *points at them* works for God & it works for them. It works for me too then.

But what does that mean for me?

Nothing. Because he's moved on & me & my children are collateral damages of a past he doesn't want to remember.

Does that sound harsh? It's true. He & She want to erase us from their history. Too bad. We don't get what we want, we get what we need.

[Another side note to God: seriously God? Do I really need another sister who hates my guts & wants to kill me? I already have one of those! Ok, Thanks. Just checking]

It'll be an adventure having this woman for a sister seeing as how that idiot  her new husband & I share children & that makes her an extended part of their/my family. Oh well, its not as if I don't have sisters (real blood sisters) that also hate my guts & want to kill me.

(I live to inspire such awesomeness in others *note the sarcasm please*winks*)

Welcome to the new Mrs. T! I'm sure you'll enjoy your new title/husband way more than I ever did & probably use it/him more happily & more frequently than I ever did. Well... I shouldn't be snarky about it. *smiles* Let's just leave it at Welcome Sister T!

With love & delicious new additions to the dinner table ~
Cy.

Monday, June 4, 2012

The Good Only Gets Better!: Moments of MotherHood


2003. What a big year for me - literally & figuratively! (Katzu is maybe about 6 months old in this picture. I'm most likely a size 44 bra & 4x shorts. This is also most likely after I gained 60+lbs during my 3 month stint on Prozac for post-partum depression. Also again not my highest weight or size)

Wow! Look at me! Look at Katz!
To borrow from an old smokes ad ~ "We've come a loooooooooooooong way, baby!"

Today marks 9 years since I moved my children & I to Hawaii from Samoa. We've spent 9 years finding our place & making our time count. It's been a delicious adventure so far. Certainly not what I expected at all!

Well, lets see what nine years have bought me.


My children are healthy & happy & well. They are home & they are safe. What price would I pay for the surety of knowing they are exactly right where they ought to be & headed to where they should go?

I'd pay any price, make any sacrifice, do whatever it takes to get it done. I'd become the kind of person I have to be to do the work I said I would.

These guys are my everything for the short duration that I have them. Some day sooner instead of later - all three of them are going to head out for their own destinies & families.

Wow! I can't wait to see them become husbands & fathers. To lead their own little people to where they have to be to do the things they have to do.

Then we will truly see what these years have been worth. Until then ~

With love & delicious Nine Year celebrations!
Cy.

PS. Ok, I'm just a little bit vain.... nine years later that's me now & all those haters can just suck it! Ha!


Monday, May 14, 2012

Nana : Moments of MotherHood

Mothers Day 2012
Nana is my second sister's daughter.

She's the fourth of our Millennium babies ( Byna was born January 2000, Tafi in April 2000, Lua in July 2000 and Nana in August 2000).

Nan's birthday is 2 days after mine.

How awesome is that?
(very awesome!)

All of my sisters children have a special place in my heart. All of them.

Nan had a field trip to the Nature Conservatory with her class today. We thought she didn't have to be there until 8am because the bus would leave at 8:15am.

When we got to the school at 8am, the bus had already left & Nan was sitting at the office heartbroken that she'd missed the bus.

I told her to go ahead & go to the other class room & wait to see what I could do. Maybe she'd be able to go with the next group on Wednesday.

I prayed. Now I know it sounds presumptuous that I pray & God answers - but He really does.
10 minutes later, another parent blew through our office looking for a child who had also missed the bus and offered to drive Nan & the other students out to the camp in Makiki.

She wanted to go. I had only met the parent peripherally in other parent stuff. I prayed if it would be ok to let her go. She gave me a big hug & went with the other parent to camp.

Her teacher called me to let me know she got there safely & that they were going to take good care of her.

Thank You God because I prayed from the moment she left me till her teacher called that she would be safe, the car they were travelling in was safe, that the parent driving them was well & protected, that the roads would be cleared, that their journey would be calm. I prayed that God would bless them with safety & protect them. All of them. I even blessed the gas in his tank so that it'd be efficient & work well.

I don't know how it works for other people & praying but I know when I pray, God hears me & answers my prayers. Now I don't always like the answers I get, but I trust that God knows whats best. I thank Him today for watching out for my girl.

She is safe. She is well. And I'm relieved.

With love & delicious prayers~
Cy.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

+ or - Still In It to Win It: WIO & Weigh It In Wednesday


One of the things I've lost sight of in this craziness to make a weight limit - is that this is a journey. The end isn't the most important thing - the journey there is.

This is my life! Not a diet I go on to drop 5 lbs or 10 lbs or even *gasp* 50 lbs. This is not about the number on the scale or dress size or jeans size.

This is about me. My life. My rules. My health.

I made a choice 6 years ago to get healthier. It's taken me six long years of working mentally, spiritually, emotionally & physically to manifest this healthiness where I can run up hills, I can lift weights, I can be happy.

This didn't just happen over night. And neither did the weight gain.

2008: Plus Plus Plus Plus Plus Plus size hospital gown


6 years ago, I could not run a straight mile. Hell, I couldn't even walk a mile. 4 years ago, I could clear a mile in 25 minutes.

This morning as I lace up my shoes I know I can run - not walk - a mile. I can even run it up a big bad hill if I want too. It might take me 15 minutes. It might take me 12 minutes. If its really good, I may kill my mile in 9 minutes & 36 seconds.

But I.Can.Do.It!
(Yay! Me!)

My friend, Annie Gooding over at Annie Gooding reminded me of what's really important ~ to be kind to myself no matter what the scale says to me.

Which is so interesting to hear being said back to me. That's always the Number 1 thing I always say to everyone else about everything else including fitness.
May 1, 2012

Be Kind to Your Self!

So I'm going to practice what I preach and NOT get on the scale. Because the kindest thing to do for myself is get over the number on the scale. I'm going to measure my success in miles & pounds lifted. In how many burbees, lunges & push ups I can do in one session. I'm going to focus on strong & flexible & kindness.

Because to quote the beauty commercial I hate *laughs*.... I'm Worth It!

With love & delicious miles of road to run~
Cy.


Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Quick Thoughts:Time Out Tuesdays

I borrowed Katz's camera yesterday for this shot of the ti plants in the lobby garden at Laie Elementary.

It's one of my favorite places to sit & look at because its boxed in by cement sit-ways, is filled with strategically chaotic greenery & has a slatted roof to let sunlight in.

( it goes with much saying how I lurve sunshine!)

"Work" is better this week. My schedule is starting to gel & the anxiety I was running on last week is easing into familiarity this week.

I've met more of the staff & administration & teachers & students too.

Wow!

Let me tell you, there are a lot of people who put in time & effort to helping my kids (and everyone else's kid in Laie Elem) get an education. My kid's teachers are only the first line of educational defense. There are part time teachers, counselors, administrators, custodians, cafeteria personnel, security personnel, student teachers & other parent aides that all put into getting my kids a quality education.

And they know when kids can do better & don't.
(Mommy's looking at YOU, Katz!)

They care about my kids. Do I always agree with the way that 'caring' comes across? No of course not but that doesn't mean I don't respect the work they do. Even those people who aren't directly involved with my children, know my children by first name.

People who say educators (and that includes support staff) are over paid for the services they do, need to have a child in public school AND spend a couple of weeks working at it. They'll see soon enough that everyone doesn't get paid enough to do what they do every Monday to Friday. Rain or shine.

I learned a 'new skill' yesterday while helping out in the kindergarten class. I got to laminate! Whoo Woo!
*fist pump in the air*

The Boss Laminate Machine


and I got to use the "big cutter".
The Boss Cutter



(Amazing how I can be entertained by the ordinary!)











Today is May Day/Lei Day here. Tafi, Katz & I are off to the Polynesian Cultural Center with their classmates for our dress rehearsals before the big show on Friday. It's gonna be an easy breezy (but cross our fingers not rainy) 1 mile walk.

Tafi & 5th grade class May Day practice
With love & delicious Tuesdays~
Cy.

Monday, April 30, 2012

It Just Keeps On Getting Better:Moments of MotherHood


So I'm doing the laundry this evening & decide to wash Katzu's favorite pair of pants for our field trip to BYU-H.

And what do I see when I put his pants in the washer?

The little puka in the back pocket is neatly stitched up. Little x's closed up the hole. It was as good as new!

I didn't mend Katz's pants. I know for sure Katz didn't mend his pants. That leaves a limited list of suspects!

Who did this random act of kindness for me & for Katz? Somebody sewed up my baby Katz's favorite army pants as a gift of love.

(yes I cried as I turned the washer water on & poured soap in)

I could barely remember my name last week what with Tafi's birthday party & my first week of "working". But I know Katz's insisted on wearing his army pants on Friday. I didn't let him wear it last week because there was that  tiny tear in the back pocket I hadn't had time to mend yet. But he persisted.

(read: nag nag nag. whine whine whine. beg beg beg.)

Katz had told me No, Mommy! Its fixed already!
(since I didn't do it, I didn't believe it was done)

I let it slide, gave in, allowed him to wear it to school on Friday. I figured if he had on clean boxers & was ok with a tiny puka in the pants... I was just fine with it too!

(There are some things as a mother that just aren't worth bitching about!*grins*)

And here I am today looking at the wonderful thoughtfulness that either my mother, my sister or more likely my oldest son Simalei took time out to do for me.

(Thank you whoever did it. I'm humbled by your kindness. Thank You God for reaffirming my faith that it does always get better & better!)

With love & delicious random acts of kindness~
Cy.

PS. How do you like my yellow vest? Makes me look "important & cool" on the playground, huh? *smiles*

Friday, April 27, 2012

-0 lbs:WIO & Weigh It In

Last -0 lbs post for the month. I've managed to survive a month of not hitting the scales.

So how have I determined what I've gained or lost then if I'm not chained to a scale?

Let's see... my jeans still fit (Thank God!!!) My shirts still fit (again Thank God!) and I can still bench press 100lbs at the gym. I can still run. I can still walk.

So far. So good!


Back to those jeans still fitting. I don't know why in the hell I keep on wearing them. They make me look huge/fat/bulbous! Just because they fit doesn't mean I should keep on wearing them.

The reason the bathroom picture is important to me is that its at the Kailua Zippy's. Its 1/2 or a 1/4 the width of a regular door. When I was larger - I refused to even enter the bathroom door for fear that I couldn't fit through it (side ways or front ways).

Now I can walk through it face forward with space to spare on each side of my thighs.

The upper right hand picture is from 2 years ago exactly. I'm actually smaller today in terms of inches all over but I look to me - smaller then. Go figure. I don't get it.

The stress of going back to work has led me to be alternately phobic & the binging on food. But this up coming week will be better. I know what the stresses are like & how to plan my eating around it.

Getting to gym is going to be a bit tough what with my new schedule. But I figure I can do bench dips & walking lunges & jumping squats on the field when I'm doing yard duty at school.

(I hope that doesn't embarrass the kiddies too much!)

Haven't decided to do running @ 5am or 5pm. We'll see how it goes!

My new thingy is running hills. At least on the treadmill I can gauge how far & how high & how fast I am running. On the pavement - where the real running counts- it's a bit trickier. I always pat myself on the back after a treadmill run only to kick myself after a pavement run when I can BARELY squeak out a half miler without feeling like I'm dying from a lack of oxygen.

Working out makes me a nicer person. It puts the sparkle in my eye & the spring in my step! It is almost as good as prayer for making me all zen-like and is certainly better than the best sex I ever had.

With love & aching thighs & glutes!
Cy.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Back2Work: TimeOut Tuesdays

I've gone back to "work" this week. Which if you ask me is an understatement since any SAH (that's Stay At Home) Mother knows - you're always working: paid or un-paid.

Our meter is always running!

Anyhow, I'm a volunteer office assistant/teacher assistant/ general assistant at my children's school. I have a very good reason for doing this.

Katzu needs me. He needs the security of knowing I'm not far from him physically to make him feel safe again.

I don't know what really happened to make be all clingy again. But what I do know is that as hard as it is for me to be stuck to him right now - its still way more easier than trying to fix this years & years down the road when he is older & less inclined to accept my help.

So I'm "working" with people again. I'd forgotten how in group settings, people gravitate towards friendships/alliances/favorites in order to get along smoother.

I don't think there's anything wrong with this. That's just the way it rocks in the real employment world.

But like I've said before (and something that many of you know about me personally)... what I do for a living is not Who I Am.

I don't define myself by my job (or lack of a job). A job is what I do or have. Not who I am.

Thank God for big lessons learned while I still young enough to bear them!

With love & delicious work~
Cy.


Because Sometime you feel like a Nut!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Birthday Party!Moments of Motherhood


Today was Tafi's 12th birthday party.


He celebrated his birthday at the BYU-H Gameroom so that he & his friends could hang out, play some games, shoot some pool, dance a little dance & bowl some bowling.





Tafi stayed up late Sunday night to make his sour candy li hing mui mix for the "baddy bags" because "goody bags" are for kids not manly guys like Taf & his buddies.

(yes I rolled my eyes at that too)




Tafi & his buddies sang Happy Birthday to him. Those are Butter Chocolate ButterCreme frosted cupcakes.
(Mommy needs her butter to make it all better!)


I actually ate this one at home just before I started blogging this post! Yumm-Oh!

(and now I have a tummy ache)

Tafi had such a fabulous birthday party. Everyone he invited was able to make it. He got everything & more that he wished for.

(Thank You God!)

I am so thankful to the parents let their children come to his party. I was so relieved to see all of them come to support Tafi turning 12. I am so humbled by all of the parents who gave gifts to Tafi - when really the gift to us was just having their children there.

I am so glad that Tafi already has the maturity to realize birthday parties are not about gifts or what his friends gave him. He was already telling from a week ago to please not give him any money or toys but to just come & be there with him.

Just being there with him was the best gift.
(God Bless them!)

I am tired. And Happy. and tired. But mostly happy.

Because he's happy.

With love & delicious birthday parties~
Cy.

PS. According to Mother Hubbard this frosting is the best ever. According to my wallet its also the cheapest frosting ever too. I will never pay $3 for a can of pre-made frosting ever again!

2 boxes of powdered sugar
1/2 cup of unsweetened cocoa powder
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup butter

put it in to a large mixing bowl & blend on low until all the sugar is mixed up with the butter. It will look thick like play dough. DO NOT ADD MILK OR WATER!

Keep on mixing at high until its whipped. For me, it took about 3 minutes but then I have a cheapy mixer from Walmart that was on sale for $7. Your mixer might whip that frosting faster than mine.

You'll know its done when it looks smooth & glossy. Spoon some into a piping bag with a star tip & pop a little bit on top of each cupcake.

Voila! Enough frosting for at least 3 dzn cupcakes also taking into account little hands that swiped some from the bowl.