Saturday, December 31, 2011
Timing they say is everything. You can be the right person in the right place but if its the wrong time - it just isn't going to happen. Some times you have to speed up to hit the right time & some times you have to hold still so the right time can hit you. However it works out for you - timing is every thing.
This past year taught me to see timing on a larger framework. To see my choices & the consequences that originate from my choices on a longer timeline. Not just here & now but there & then. Some times the smallest things have the biggest impact.
Sim is getting ready to go on his mission this coming year. This push to help him meet his mark & to be the right person at the right time for the right purpose has consumed a greater portion of my life for the past two years. He has literally 11 months to become physically worthy to serve an honorable full time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. His time is dwindling & he must be ready to go. He hovers precariously between wanting to grow forward to his future & staying in the safety of his childhood. I understand that. Its hard to leave the safety & comfort of one's home & hearth to make your own way & timing.
What he doesn't know is that its part of my job as his Mother to boot his ass out when the time comes so he can learn to fly instead of flounder. He doesn't like it & is resistant. Which is okay with me. I excel at doing things the hard way. His Do It or Die time is coming quickly. There are people who are counting on him to be in the right place at the right time to do the right thing.
Writing this past year is also something that had to happen in its own time. I was ready & resilient enough to write now. I had so much to tell that taking photos couldn't do. I think some times that each of us has a story to tell that bubbles up & bubbles up & if you're lucky & brave enough - it keeps on bubbling up until the only thing you can do is let it go & see what it writes for itself.
Letting go of my hair & history with my EX was also something that had to happen in its own time. I grew my hair out for him & kept it long in the hopes of some day having him run his hands through it. The time was now to cut the hair off & really & truly set myself free. So when he called a week or so ago making noise about reconciliations ~ I could honestly & kindly tell him that no, that will never happen again ever. The time for that passed already. And I didn't say it or mean it in a bad way. Only that our time is done. for good. Timing really is every thing.
Another timing is everything thing is I had $10 left in my bag. I still had to buy cat food & mail off the children's card & present for their father.
Kennedy Katzu & I went out for ice cream last night & decided to stop off at the local library to see what they had to offer. I love books. I'll spend money on books before I buy food for myself. (but not before I buy food for the kids & the cats of course)
Came across a book called God always has a Plan B. It was $2.00. With $8 left, I'd only have enough for maybe 1 can of cat food & mailing the man's stuff off. I bought the book & wouldn't you just know there was a $5 bill tucked into pages? Talk about good timing & God's providence. I got my book, the cats got their food & the father of babies got his card & gift.
God is good all the time!
As LDS as I am, one of the things I've enjoyed is reading inspirational literature by other denominations. I find that it doesn't decrease my faith in Mormonism rather it increases it. It edifies it.
All things happen in God's own good time. Whenever that is. However that is. Sometimes I don't really like how God's time unfolds because I want what I want right now! But I do understand the love & the logic behind the timing - some things that look good right now won't be good for me when I look at in the framework of eternal happiness.
And 2011 has been all about understanding timing & the much larger
perspective that my timing is set against. There are roads we just have to travel on to get to the place we need to be at. We have to be on that path at that time so we can learn to love deeper & clearer & truer.
This year brought people into my framework that couldn't have appeared any sooner. I just wasn't ready for them & the lessons they gifted to me. Some of these people I love truly & deeply but my time in their stories is done for now. I miss them. I wish them well. I continue to pray for them even though I don't talk to them every day several times a day the way I used too. Some other people I don't want traveling my road with me, so I've pre-empted their time in my story. They need to go figure out their own story & mark their own time.
Then I have those fellow travelers who's paths frequently cross mine, who I find a great joy in meeting & saying Hello! too while I'm making my way. We swap stories, recipes, life experiences, pictures & scriptures.
God Bless them! They're great company on the broken road! Lots of laughing, lots of joking & lots of crying too sometimes. But they give me hope to keep on going when my what I really want to do is sit down & play dead.
No, I'm not always a happy journey traveler & I can testify that this road & time isn't what I had planned.
I can't tell if I'm living God's Plan A or B. It seems all the same to me.
And as I close out 2011 I look back on the past 12 months with wonder. How in the world did I survive & thrive in all of that chaos?
The answer always comes back the same - only by the grace of God.
As I leave this year behind & look forward to the new adventures of 2012, I thank God most of all for the love & care & patience He's shown for me. I am not an easy person to deal with. I am not even a nice person to deal with most of the time. But I am a good person & more importantly ~ I am a Child of God and that makes the difference in everything.
May you & yours have a wonderful 2012.
With Love & Good New Years Wishes~
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
|KokoSamoa Cupcake w/Vanilla Bean & KokoSamoa Frosting|
I love KokoSamoa. I love it dark, strong & sweet. I love the little nuttiness that gets caught in my teeth when I sip the steaming chocolatey hotness.
I thought it would be wonderful to blend my favorite drink with a cupcake!
So one morning, I brewed up a pot of kokosamoa using double the amount of koko I would normally use. I wanted the liquid to be extra strong & dark when I used in it the cake batter.
I expected a dark chocolate taste.
What I got was a smokey coffee taste.
With love & Koko Samoa Cupcakes~
Friday, December 2, 2011
I've done more things because I was angry than I have anything else.
I've had more sex with more people than I can remember because I was angry. I've eaten enormous amounts of food because I was angry. I've spent thousands of dollars I didn't have because I was angry. I have cut off yards of hair because I was angry. I have run more miles on the pavement & the treadmill because I was so pissed off I couldn't sit still.
Anger can make me do horrendously stupid things like having a public bitch fest just because I can, start AND finish a fight just because I can and worst of all ~ hurt deeply the ones that I love the most.
I've struggled in the past 10 years of my life to get a grip on my temper - to master my anger so that I am the boss of it and it is not the boss of me. To act in anger is to admit that one is not in control of ones self, that one is ruled & held hostage by ones appetites.
No one can truly be free to make a conscious choice when they are always enthralled by the whims of their appetites.
My dad used to say that to me. That I'd never get anywhere as long as I let my stomach tell me what to do. I used to resent that a lot. Until I got older & really thought about what it was he was really saying. He was telling me that I had to learn discipline, so I could discipline myself & make myself strong enough to be truly free to believe the things I do.
It isn't enough for me to discipline my anger. I have to know what the source of it is. So I can get to root of it & weed it out before it consumes me.
I've been angry with someone who considers me a dear friend. That anger led me to blocking this person out of my life for years. And why was I angry? Not because he got married & is happy. Not because he was a coward for most of our time together. Not even because he was still having sex with someone else(s) while he was with me. No, none of that seriously ticked me off. That kind of stupid happens & I can understand it & forgive it. We're all human.
I'm angry because he had the damn nerve to tell me to my face that he'd told his wife-to-be that all I was was just a fling.
A Fling. Ten years of my life & love. A wrecked marriage. And he could only define me as a FLING.
And Mister if you're reading this right now - I'm still angry about that. You could've told her (& me) the truth - that I was your friend and your lover and something else more complicated that you don't have words for. You could've even said I was your cousin which although very embarrassing - is also true.
But a fling?
Well okay then. And that's why (idiot) when I left Samoa, I refused to see you or speak to you or have anything to do with you. Its the reason why when you were looking for me, I made sure there was no one left to tell you where I was. Its the biggest reason why when you moved here, I made damn sure you couldn't find me until you did, one day when I wasn't paying attention.
And what did you have the nerve to ask me after not seeing my lovely curvy ass for nearly 8 years? I think your litany of questions went like this: Who's baby is that? Did you think I forgot you? Did you think we weren't friends? Do you know how long I've been looking for you?
Oh? Really? Whatever for are you looking for me for?
Let me clue you in how angry I am about that just in case you missed it because you're a man after all & I can understand how testosterone clouds your logic - that was over 10 years ago.
And here you are asking for my FRIENDSHIP?
Like we're friends? Like I ought to care about anything you do or say?
Yeah, I'm angry about that one thing because how the hell are you going to dismiss all that you & I ever were to each other with that one word: Fling. Every single minute & second I spent in your arms, in your bed, in your mind - nothing. Because it was just a fling. Every kiss, every laugh, every hug - nothing. Because it was just a fling. All of my tears, my smiles, my letters & phone calls for you - nothing. Because it was just a fling.
FLINGS aren't friends, Mister. Flings are temporary f*cks that one forgets as soon as it happens. Flings are what you do when you like someone well enough to bang them but not enough to ask them their first name. It's a WhamBamThankYouMa'am. Flings are what I do when I catch someone else's thongs in my car seat/bedding covers.
(Had I known then what I know now, I never would have given you as much time & thought & love as I did. It would've been better for me to have poured my love down the sewer drain because at least then the rats could feast on it & be happy.)
Because if I ever loved someone, I loved you. I still love you because if I didn't love you, your dumb ass would so be dead right now. If I'm going to go to jail for murder it ought to be for someone who I thought was worth becoming a lesbian for since that's all I'd been getting in the slammer.
If I loved you even one shade less than I do right now - you wouldn't be safe from me.
*breathing in slow & deep*exhaling through the nose*repeat*
Angry. Is just another word for hurt.
And no I haven't forgiven you for it yet. Obviously. Since even after this whole long post, what I want to do is call you up & cuss your ass out. Which I will not give you the satisfaction of hearing me do because that wouldn't be a fling does.
With love & delicious anger,
Thursday, December 1, 2011
|Who Me? Yes Me! It's my birthday today!|
|3 days old|
(Oh yes. I am that kinda Aunty! Yay! Happy Birthday Russell!)
Although I made all my sisters Aunties - it wasn't until Russell's arrival that I became The Aunty! and wow! did I sure love being an Aunty.
I often say if Russ hadn't been so damn cute, I wouldn't have succumbed to baby fever & went out & made my own baby! (Tafilele thanks you by the way!)
When my sister & brother in law let our family know that they were expecting a happy blessing soon - we were all of us, excited & nervous. It's been 6 years since Simalei was born. We were all of us - ready for a new baby to join our fun!
The night before Russell was born, my sister & I were sitting in our family living room with my parents joking about life. She decided to eat my bowl of chili & I told her - you're gonna give yourself indigestion!
What it gave her instead was heartburn that was really labor!
My dad called me at work later that morning to let me know that Russell had made his debut & to please stop off at Laufou to pick up some nice baby things for the new baby & food for the new mama. (I remember telling my then boss who shall not be named least he sue me for any number of imagined offenses - that I was leaving immediately for a family emergency. I love it how one can do that when employed in Samoa!)
When I got to the hospital & I saw him for the first time - I couldn't get over how WHITE he was & how cherry red his lips were. He was like a little Snow White! (I know Russ - you're cringing but as your Aunty it's my duty to embarrass you like this!)
Russell is special to me because he's such a stalwart soul. Really. There is right & then there is Russell. He's stayed solid throughout so very many trying times in his young life. He's been his Mother's rock & his Father's testimony. He's been his sister Robyna's best friend & his younger brother Kajey's trailblazer. He's been KennaNoa's cuddly bear & protector. So very many things on such young & capable shoulders. He keeps on going when other's are ready to sit down & cry. He has an incredible faith that everything is in God's capable hands, so what are we so worried for? I love it.
I love you Russell. The best is yet to come for all of us.