Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Things to think on


Haleiwa Beach Park 2007 Watching the Sun go down


It's always interesting & entertaining for me to interact with people I haven't seen/heard/spoken too in many years. Because of my choice to disconnect from as many people & places in my history - when they do finally catch up to me, I'm not always what they thought I would be.

And it shows on their faces when they register that what they thought & what I am aren't the same thing. It's almost as much fun for me to watch as me telling people who my Ex-husband is!

(I have proof people that I was legally married to him & am legally divorced from him too!)

For example, my sister was telling me that she was re-counting to another old acquaintance a few months back about  how I am a current LDS Temple Recommend holder. Now while that only means to me that I have an additional obligation to fulfill in being & living more Christ-like, for others of our faith its a symbol of spiritual worthiness. The acquaintance was shocked & rather speechless.

My reputation for salacious & scandalous living had preceded me.

There's a good amount of awkwardness for people from my past to meet the me that I am now. Awkward because as I was then - I am now - breaking the norms, taking no hostages & no holds barred. Except for then, I was gungho on exploring the dark side & all its delicacies to its fullest extent. Now? I'm all about living happy & clean & free.

(At least, you can thank God that I've learned to keep my opinions to myself. Unless of course you ask me & then I'll give it to you as honestly as I can without being brutal. Because really? why does honesty have to be brutal? Why can't honesty be beautiful? It always irritates me when people start off conversations with Can I be brutally honest? No damn you  - you can not be brutally honest. How about you be compassionately honest? There. Try that one on & see how it fits.)

This isn't intentional. It's just the way I am. It's one of the many things I'm told makes me a very scary woman to deal with. I actually had to call & ask people why I'm so scary. One of my sisters told me its because   "you don't f*ck around with the truth". Another sister said, "because you can see through all their bullshit & smoke."

Which is just fine with me. I'm me & you? You're you.

I like you as you are but please don't give me a fake you. That's just going to piss me off. Tell me you don't want to talk about it. Tell me its none of my business. That's fine. But don't lie to my face. That will not be fine for any of us.

One thing that hasn't changed about me from then to now ~ is that I'm not going to put on a personality to make you comfortable. Either you take me as I am, as flawed as I am or you're not going to take me at all. I'll wish you well on your journey & hope that our paths intersect once again. But I am not going to let you tell me who I am.

With love & delicious sunsets ~
Cy.








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