Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Run Baby Run!

New Running Shoes gonna break 'em in 2morow!
My 1st run happened when my Ex was coming back into my life - his in decisions about the directions of his dick fueled my first run.

It was a half mile sloping pavement run to Alicia Key's Sleeping with  Broken Heart. My mind was cluttered with pieces of conversations, swirls of doubt, peppers of hope. An hour of hard walking did not clean my mind with the sweat of my body.

My body needed to be pushed more to make my mind stop. So I picked up my feet faster & higher & pumped the mp3 up as high as it could go and I started running. I ran until my legs hurt & my lungs burned. I was sweaty. I was breathless.

I was thrilled & strangely calmed listening to the hum in my blood flow wipe my mind free of the noise. I think that was the first time in my whole entire life I had ever experienced a Runner's High.

(Who knew it could be very good?)

I had never run before. Not even when I was a small child & playing on the fields. I chased other kids & played games before. But I hadn't ever RUN. There is a difference.

My best runs have come on the heels of big drama. The bigger the drama (what do you mean you aren't an angel? ) meant the harder the run. Runs that have gone long & hard & leave me dripping sweat & tears blinding my eyes.

Tears. Pouring down my face & burning my skin kind of tears. Healing tears. Hurting tears. Helpful tears. Thank God for good hard runs. And I learned that Yes Ma'am I sure can run AND cry. Crying does not require my entire attention or devotion. I can keep on running AND crying. The running doesn't care if I'm crying and so I ran some more.

I've heard others tell me they've run till they puked. I didn't puke. I ran until I cried. (Which if you know me, means that I ran hard because I almost never cry.)

In the absence of big drama my runs have turned to mush. Sloppy sucky runs. Sissy runs on a treadmill where the icy air con is blowing in my face & I'm assured that I'm just running to see the digital readout click click click for how far I've gone. Or jogging to just keep moving. I did it, check & cross of my To Do list.

I've spent all my runs running from something/someone/some thought. There isn't anything to run away from now. I've tried running with something/someone/some thought. I find myself wandering away. It just doesn't engage me, push me, burn me. I've attempted running to some thing/ some one/ some thought. But there isn't any thing or any one or any thought beyond my reach bad enough for me to run to it.

My mind wanders now when I run & then the run turns into a jog & the jog turns into a shuffling & then the shuffling turns into walking at which point I hit the red stop button & get off the treadmill in disgust.

I wimped out & I know it. This sucks! Bah!

Well, at least I got my shoes on today! I can still run & have a wandering mind.

With love & delicious runs~

1 comment:

  1. I am totally the same way! I'm super stubborn, so the best way to get me to do something is to tell me I can't. But I've been clearing out my life of haters so I've seemed to lost my motivation. That sounds crazy I know, but I'm not willing to add haters back into my life. So I've really got to find my own motivation.

    Good luck on breaking in the running shoes again. btw, I've run til I cried before too. But I sweat profusely so nobody can ever tell. It's about the only time I've been thankful of sweating like a man. lol


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