Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Regrets, I have a few...

Debris left at Castle beach 2011

So I was listening to Old Blue Eye's crooning My Way on the radio this morning & that one phrase of his caught me,

                               "regrets, I have a few but then again too few too mention..."

And it got me to thinking about what regrets I have. What do I regret?

Regret is such a useless emotion. It does nothing but mire you down in the pain of the past.
(unless you learned your lesson)

All the I wish I couldawouldashoulda's do nothing except for hold you back from moving forward.
(unless you learned your lesson)

There are  some things that just have to BE so that the today you have right this minute can be what it is.
(that would be the part where you learned your lesson)

(Ahh! but I do have a few regrets that I do want to mention if for no other reason than to un-burden myself & practice some moral acrobatics)

There are somethings I do regret because I caused someone else pain.

More than likely they've forgotten all about me or don't recall the incident with the kind of clarity that I do. Mostly because from their point of view - it's done & over with. That's one of the perks of regret - you get to relive it over & over & over again. Sort of like Groundhogs Day on crack.

One of the things that I regret in my adult life is attempting to do someone a favor by telling her that she was behaving like a total bitch & that's the reason why her friends were blowing her off. Of course I was young (18 years old) and self-righteous (goody2shoes) and ignorant ( there are so many ways to exemplify my stupidity here).

I still remember her face as I told her what her friends were saying about her. She was shocked & hurt & fighting back the tears that were welling up in her eyes. She only said,"Oh. Okay." and then left our table.

I felt great! I had done her a good deed by informing her of what others were saying & that if she wanted to keep their myriad of friendships - she'd have to stop with the bitchiness. I wish I could have slapped myself a good one.

The point is I didn't know what was going on when I told her this little nugget of information I'd gleaned while listening to the Hive talking about her. Later on, I found out the day I chose to take her to lunch & tell her her friends were sick & damn tired of her bitching was also her birthday & the day she found out her parents were getting a divorce.

Talk about I SUCK big time. That regret haunts me.

I wish the Me Now could time travel back to that day & tell Me Then to shut the hell up & mind her own damn business & that if she wanted to be a "real" friend - then just offer her a hug & a sandwich & say "Hey, how's it all going?"

To that girl, I'd like to apologize again. I was a total asshole. I can honestly say I've never made the mistake of attempting to be some one's friend by telling them all their friends think such & such a thing. What other people think is also none of my business. What I think is my business. Lesson learned.

Another thing I regret is saying another photographers work was absolute shit to a former editor. It was totally un-professional. His work speaks for itself - as does mine. No one needed me to say what everyone could already see. It's no joke that I earned my spot as that girl who is not a team player. I'd like to believe I've spent the last 10 years learning to correct that mistake & to recognize the value of being a team player. Go TeamBellaLu! Lesson learned.

I'm sorry Mr. Pro-Photographer in the Making for the things I said about your work. I really hope you didn't take it personally. My only defense is that I was stupid.

Yet another regret, is that I railroaded over & rudely disregarded the seniority & hard work of people who had been in the game much longer than I had. They earned their places by their own hard work & by just showing up. I regret that I didn't acknowledge their contributions & their talents because I was so totally focused on my own (arrogant) wonderfulness. Yes I was talented. Yes I was fast. Yes I had a good eye. But all of that means shit because at the end of the day ~ Talent is lovely. Talent is grand. But talent is no damn match for consistent hard honest work.

I apologize to my former editors for not being more humble & teachable. You were right, I did & still do have a lot to learn about being in the business & I was very fortunate to be mentored by you all. Lesson learned.

I also regret the not quite honest way that I left one of my apartments. I could attempt to shift blame to another group of adults - but the real honest truth is that if I had stood my ground - I would not have left they way that I did nor would I have left it in the condition that I did. I don't care that there were 2 of us on the lease - I'm a responsible intelligent adult. I know how to give 30 days notice - not 3 days notice. I know that we didn't complete all the promised renovations. I also know that there isn't anything I can except for apologize & hope my former landlord has forgiven me. I deeply regret that and have made sure that I've never ever again left a rental unit that way again. Lesson Learned.

I regret that I didn't do the horizontal hula with that lovely Military Man way back in the day because I was worried about my friend being all by herself if I left with him. Yes, I do regret it because I absolutely know if I had gone with him, it would've score somewhere in my top 5 best encounters ever. EVER. I never made that mistake again - that's for sure! Lesson learned.

I regret eating that blueberry napple 2 nights ago. Let me tell you, if you're going to ingest an ukubazillion calories of nutritional nothingness you ought to at least make it worth it.

I don't however regret very much else. I've made many mistakes in my life & I've tried my damned best to rectify them. I've moved on from most of them. I don't regret any of my 'encounters' because I chose them & accepted the consequences there of. I don't regret the lifestyle I have today because it was my choice to live this way. I am content with the consequences there of.

With love & deliciousness ~

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