Friday, November 18, 2011

Lumpy & loving it

Why Thighs do you not just be not LUMPY?

On my workout playlist are the following songs:

1. Bulletproof
2. Where does my Heart beat now
3. In the Ayer
4. Someone like You - Shape Remix
5. Purple Rain
6. Let the Music Play
7. FlashDance
8. SongBird - Fleetwood Mac
9. Good Life
10. Set Fire 2 the Rain - Adele

I love my morning workouts. I love them after the first five minutes of my workout. I love them all the way through the hour that I'm in it.

But for that first five minutes as I'm waiting for those fabled endorphins to kick in & kick my ass up - its hard to slough through it. My first song has to keep me enthralled enough to get through the first five minutes when I'm certain that getting up & getting to the gym is the worst idea I've had since forever.

Only in the past five years, have I gained a knowledge & appreciation for physical exercise. I remember clearly when walking a mile took me 45 minutes. Then it took me 37 minutes. Then 30 minutes. Then 22 minutes.

Last week it took me 9:46 seconds to run my mile. I wanted to take a picture of that readout & email it to everyone I know & then blow it up as a wall print. That may be my personal best time. ever. I may never run that time again. seriously. (I can tell you honestly that the next day it took me 20 minutes to just walk a mile & then when I tried to run it - I got wobbly legs & called it.)

For most of my life, I was a bookworm nerd. You know the one who did not ever break a sweat on a run or even smelled the inside of gym or attended an aerobics class. In high school, I gave my PE teacher a hard time, telling him it was a violation of my constitutional rights to force me to participate in physical education when it was not considered a standardized method of measuring one's physical fitness. (Yeah. I was 15 years old. I got sent to the VP's office & then later to the Principles Office & basically told that if I didn't complete the class I could fail. I didn't like F's back then so I did it)

I also didn't play basketball, volleyball or softball. I didn't even play tag. My idea of physical exercise was hauling home a bunch of encyclopedias.

As an adult, breaking a sweat back in the day meant 30 minutes of tantra sex after a night spent getting wasted at a no name no care bar somewhere.

But back to the here & now: On alternate days - after 30 minutes of cardio - I head into the weight room to try my body at pumping iron. I don't know what it is about that room full of metal that intimidates me so. But it does. But that doesn't matter because I'm made up my mind to keep on going in there even if all I can is walk to the back wall & stare at the weights as I go by.

Why do I do this every day Monday to Friday ?

Because I remember what its like to be so fat that I couldn't fit into the regular bathroom stalls at the store. Because I remember what its like to be so fat that little kids would walk past me & say she's so fat!
Because I remember how desperate I was to not be so fat - that I consented to have my guts cut up & re-routed in the hope that I could finally get my weight under control enough to finally run.

I will never ever ever be that desperate again.

And its also about the way I feel after I totally kill a workout: I feel free & I feel strong. I feel like no one in the world can bring me down. I feel like I could run for miles. I feel like the best kind of warm sunshine falling on my face in the afternoon. To say I feel good just doesn't cover how I feel when I get it done during a workout.

So when I head into the gym this morning & I feel a little slouchy - I remember waking up in the hospital certain I was going to die as a result of having cut my guts up. I remember literally dying to be thin & I swear to God, I will never be that desperate again.

I will walk farther & faster. I will run like my life depends on it. I will move those iron weights.
Because my life does depend on it.

With love & delicious sweatiness~
Cy.

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